last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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