The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
