I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
