i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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