I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
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