I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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