but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
