I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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