I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
