whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Randomize
