plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
