Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Green mimosas i think yes
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
