My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
It's blow job season.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
