You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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