my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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