The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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