Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
