dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
