I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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