My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
