im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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