dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
