It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
