Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
