I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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