I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize