I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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