I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
