I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
