the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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