Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
