i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
