I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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