I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
