at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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