I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
