Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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