lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
