so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
