Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
