omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
