Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
