I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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