I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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