My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize