I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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