My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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