Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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