my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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