my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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