I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
