she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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