He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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