If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
that may or may not have been my penis.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize