Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
