I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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