My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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