my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
