god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
