Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
