Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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