In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
