Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
