I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
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