I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
