you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
